The Worst Pain Of All
by Casm94
Summary: Arizona cheated with Lauren, Callie left her. Will they be able to remember their good times and get back together? Rated M for later chapters...
1. Chapter 1

**Hey guys ;)**

I had the idea to write this kind of story a while ago, so I gave it a go... I hope you like it at least a little bit ;)  
Enjoy,  
Sarah X

* * *

_Arizona: _

„Apparently I lost you…"

I couldn't get her words out of my head. They've been stuck up there since our argument at the hospital no matter how much alcohol I put in my body or how many hours I sleep, they are the first thing I think of, every single time I wake up. And then I _feel _it. The pain. The guilt. They are the only thing left inside of me. I _died_ when Callie walked out of the on-call room. No, that's not right, and now is finally the time to admit it. I _died_ when I woke up with only one leg left.

I tried to come back, I really did, and I think I succeeded, until something _inside _me died, no metaphor this time. I stopped feeling anything, and I felt like I wasn't capable of anything, everything ended up as a huge disaster. Until _she_ came along, _she_ made me feel alive and she gave me the feeling that I was actually worth something. I mean, don't get me wrong, Callie did too, but it was something different. And after all, it was her who made me lose my leg…

I know that this is no excuse at all for what I did, but it's not like it came out of nowhere…

She didn't lose me though; I lost her, because of this one moment, where I gave in to all the hurt and anger that I was dealing with all this time. It wasn't _me _who slept with Lauren , it was the angry and desperate amputee who just had a miscarriage… All I want is to show Callie that I'm back for good though. I am so, so sorry. This must be the worst pain of all, to know that you lost the love of your life and you can't do anything about it.

I was lying in my hotel room, trying to figure out a plan on how I could possibly save my marriage and get the love of my life back, because no matter what, I made a promise, in front of Bailey and all the others, in good _and _in bad times. Well, this clearly _are_ bad times but I won't give up. I can't live without Callie and Sofia.

"You'll just try and talk to her, she's still your wife, she can't leave you just like that. You'll make her listen to you and explain it to her once again. You love her after all, and this is the most important thing."

I needed to talk to myself in order to prevent me from going insane or having a complete breakdown. I know I can't keep feeling this miserable, but it's so much easier than facing the truth that this is the price I pay for one single hour with Lauren. I'd give my life to turn back the time.

"Come on Arizona, now is it not the time for self-pitying. You need to work out what to say to Callie if you want her to listen to you instead of shutting another door in your face. "

After almost two hours of figuring out what to say, I fall asleep with Callie on my mind…

_Callie: _

"_I trusted you more than anyone…" _

Her words were everywhere. When I was lying in bed, before I had to get up, when I was taking Sofia to day care, when I was in the OR fixing someone's pelvis, when I was feeding Sofia after work or when I was crying myself to sleep, like I've been doing it for the last two weeks now.

I still can't believe how she was able to do something like that. How my sweet, caring Arizona could cheat on me. It hurts so much, I can't even describe it. It's the worst pain of all, to know that you lost the most important person in your life, and you can't really do anything about it.

And this time, it hurts even more. I mean it was also horrible when George cheated on me, but he wasn't the love of my life. Arizona was. George wasn't a parent. Arizona was. George wasn't really in love with me. Arizona was, at least before the plane crash. It seems like my wife, soul mate and best friend left at the moment, Arizona's leg was completely cut off… Because of me. Maybe I deserve all this. Maybe this is god's way of punishing me for breaking my promises. Promises I shouldn't have ever made. Isn't it one of the first things you learn in med-school, to _NOT_ make any promises to your patients? How could I have been so stupid? 'Love makes you blind', isn't that what people say

But why can't she see that I only did to save _her _fucking life?! Why does she only see that I made her loose a leg? Why is it so hard for her to forgive me (for saving her life)?

I mean I know how hard it is to forgive, and even though there's nothing in this world I'd like more to do than forgiving her for her "sleep over" in the on-call room with that Lauren Boswell, I am nowhere near that. 'I trusted you more than anybody in my life', the same goes for her. I would have done anything for her, without a second of hesitation, and to be honest, I'd still do, because you can't just turn off your feelings, and I am afraid I never will, she is the person I'm supposed to love forever. I promised that at our wedding. So now I have to find a way to repress my feelings for her and to forget all the pain as well… I already it's going to be a long, difficult and very, _very _painful route…

It was time to go to bed, so after bringing Sofia to bed, I hopped into bed and after a fair amount of shared tears, I fell asleep, with Arizona on my mind…


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey guys ;)  
Not that proud of the chapter, but I hope you still like it ;)**

Sarah X

It was almost time for lunch but I was about to perform a knee replacement. Normally, I would be quite relaxed as it was a standard procedure and I had done at least a hundred of them but this time it would be different. Because the patient was a 13 year old kid, so there would be a paediatric surgeon too, and of course, Arizona, as head of the department, had managed to scrub in with me, even though _she knows_ that I don't want to see her. I _can't _see her, because it makes me angry, angry and sad. Because we lost something special. But I guess that's life. So I'm going to suck it up and be brilliant in the OR, like I normally am.

"You're going to be fine Callie, you don't have to look at her, just focus on the boy's knee. That's what you're supposed to do anyway. You're going in there and you rock, because you. are. an. amazing. surgeon. You're a rockstar, that's what you told Webber, remember? And now, for the love of god's sake, stop talking to yourself like a crazy old lady."

I washed and disinfected my hands before entering the OR. Normally I like the thrill you get when starting a surgery, today however, I'm looking forward to when it's over. Arizona was already ready to begin.

"Hello Calliope." I guess she tried to smile at me, I couldn't see it though because of her mask, but even if she was, it wasn't one of her 'super magic smiles.'

"Hey."

Beside Arizona, there were also Leah Murphy, a new intern, and two scrub nurses in the OR with us. I didn't really know any of them so I figured it would be quite a silent surgery as I wasn't really keen on either talking to my now ex-wife or having some chit-chat with almost complete strangers.

"I know this is Derek's thing to say, but isn't it a beautiful day to save lives?"

"I guess."

I turned away from her, trying to make it obvious that I didn't want to have a conversation with her and stepped right in front of the patient to begin with the surgery.

"A number 4 scalpel with a number 20 blade, please."

Just as I was about to make the first incision, Arizona started to talk again.

"I was really looking forward to this surgery, 'cause, you know, we'd be spending some time together."

"Whatever."

Just focus on the patient Callie, the quicker and cleaner you work, the faster you'll be out of the OR again.

"Calliope, I know we're having a hard time right now but-"

I took a deep breath, put the scalpel away and practically stared at Arizona.

"No! There is no but. _We _are not having a hard time. We are _over. _ I am not here, because of you, I am here because it is my job and I learned how to sort my private life from my professional one, but if you continue talking I'll get another otho-surgeon down here, because seeing you is hard enough, I can't talk to you and pretend to be happy and funny, as I'm not. I'm feeling like shit. Because you fucking cheated on me."

I didn't care if this had been some news to anyone in the OR, the whole hospital knew already, so what change would it make if a bloody intern was aware of the fact too that my wife cheated?

Arizona may have taken a lot of things from me, but she didn't take my pride, at least not all of it. This little party of dignity helped me to not starting to cry in the middle of the OR as I continued.

"I let you shout at me, I let you cry , I let you be alone, I tried to be patient, understanding and caring, because that's what a wife normally does. What about you though? Did you try once? No you didn't. Instead, you betrayed me. And now excuse me, there's a knee I need to fix…"

I guess she wasn't prepared to hear that kind of speech in front of other people, because Arizona remained silent for the rest of the surgery.

I was washing my hands, when I heard someone entering the prep room.

"I am still seeing the therapist."

I immediately knew it was her who had entered. Although my head told me to just leave, my heart knew that I was nowhere near being over her and that I still needed to have some answers. To move on. To be happy again at some point. The sooner, the better, right?

"What?" As I turned around , I could see she was clearly nervous and if things had been any other way, I would have walked over and hugged her tightly. Now, I just stood there, expecting her to go on.

"You were right. I didn't try, I mean I thought I did. But deep inside, I was still mad because of my leg. And sometimes I still am."

Is she really using her freaking leg again to justify her unfaithfulness? But most of all, is she really trying to blame me again? What the hell is wrong with this woman?

"You can't be serious. I fucking saved your life. You freaking coded! It wasn't like 'Oh, let's hack of my wife's leg just for fun'. I am sorry that you feel betrayed, I really am-"

Suddenly something inside me clicked.

"Is that why you did it?"

Arizona, who was staring at the ground for the entire conversation lifted her head to look at me confused but suddenly her face changed into a frown and she made three steps over to take my hands. Shocked about the sudden movement, I let her.

"Oh god, no. I did not cheat on you to pay something back, you have to believe that!"

After processing what just happened, I pulled my hands away and took a few steps back, even though it felt good, having her hands in mine again.

"Then why did you do it? Did you stop feeling attracted to me? Was I suddenly not enough anymore?"

Tears were rushing down her face at this moment.

"No, no. You were, no, you _are _enough. And I still was attracted to you, look at you, you are hot. But you also saw me sitting in my own pool of urine, you saw me at my lowest, and she didn't. She only saw the happy person I used to be. And that flattered me. She thought I was amazing and somehow I gave in. I am so, so sorry for it and I feel horrible because of it. Please Callie, give us another chance. Let us talk about it."

I didn't really know what to say, I just needed some fresh air to process everything.

"I can't. At least not right now. Maybe we can talk about it at some point."

I pulled the door but turned once again.

"Just so you know. I thought you were amazing too." And with that, I left…


End file.
